Being There for Survivors

Tips for Supporting the Survivors You Love

We all know that sexual assault, harassment, and abuse have many deep and varied effects on survivors. And we also see every day how it affects survivors’ partners, their families, their friends, and the communities we live in. As we celebrate love this February, we want to lift up and offer some tips for the loved ones supporting survivors. 

Shadi Johnston, BARCC’s clinical program manager, shares: “Significant others are often times the main support person for survivors, and in being that, they often experience similar symptoms of post-traumatic stress. They can struggle, both internally and externally, with finding spaces to have their own process and take care of themselves, because they are so focused on supporting the survivor.” That is why BARCC’s services, including our hotline, counseling, legal advocacy, and case management services, are open to loved ones of survivors. 

Some of the challenges that loved ones, especially partners and spouses, face in supporting survivors are feeling a lack of control and helplessness, feeling like they have to fix or solve things, and figuring out how to set their own boundaries. 

First things first

“Often when significant others come in, they’re expecting to get information on how they can best support the survivor in their life,” Shadi says of loved ones who come to BARCC for counseling. “They can and do get that—but they’re often surprised that really much of the work is about how all of it is affecting them and getting support for themselves. They need a space for that, so they can continue supporting and caring for the survivor.”

A few initial things for people who love survivors to think about: 

• Acknowledge that the survivor’s experience does impact you. Even if you weren’t the one directly harmed, you are still affected by it. And it’s OK to name that and get support around it. 
• Take care of yourself! Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. You need to have the resources and energy to care for the person you love. Shadi adds: “Plus, it’s a good example for the survivor—to show that it’s OK for them to take time and take care of themselves!”

Tips for supporting the survivor you love

• Listen. 
• Be there with them. “What I hear from survivors about the times that they felt most supported,” says Shadi, “was often in the being rather than the doing: bearing witness to someone’s pain, sitting in it with them, without trying to solve it or fix it or change it.”
• Ask what they need, rather than assuming or inferring. 
• Offer and brainstorm options, instead of being directive. And encourage survivors to decide and engage in those options themselves.
• Empower the survivor in your life to reach out to resources and make connections for support, as opposed to feeling like you have to do it for them. This can help them feel in control and reduce the isolation that survivors can experience.

Shadi explains: “A survivor has had their power and control taken away from them, and sometimes the best intentioned of folks can come in wanting to save and tell them, ‘This is what you need to do, and this is how you need to do it.’ Instead, listening and offering options is important, because what they need to heal might not be the same as what you need to heal.”

If you’re a significant other interested in counseling services at BARCC, know that we have individual, couples, and family counseling. In addition, we also have a Partners, Family, and Friends counseling group that runs once or twice a year. Bella Alarcon, a BARCC clinician who facilitates that group, says, “I have seen participants realize their own needs and give themselves permission to take care of themselves. In the end, this also helps the survivors, because they are in a better mood, they are more calm, less stressed, and they are also modeling for the survivor how they can take care of themselves."

For more information on BARCC services, please explore our website. You can also call our hotline at 800-841-8371 (24-7), chat online (9:00 a.m.–11:00 p.m.), or request an appointment online.