If someone you care about has been raped or sexually assaulted, you have been affected by the incident as well.

Thoughts and feelings you may be having
You may feel pain, frustration, guilt, anger, confusion, and/or a variety of other emotions. You may not know how to deal with the situation. You may think that you need “to fix” the situation. You are not alone in these thoughts and feelings. It is difficult to watch someone you care about go through something so terrible. But remember, you are the most valuable resource a survivor has. Your support will let the survivor know that they are not alone and this will help them in their healing.

What you can do for your loved one or friend?
The most important thing you can do is listen. Often a person who is in crisis just needs someone to hear their story. But remember they may not be ready to talk, do not force it, and let them know that you will be there when they are ready to talk.

It is also important to let the survivor know you believe them. Survivors often worry that they will not be believed and this is why many do not tell others about what happened to them. It is normal to want to question someone’s story but do not ask invasive or accusing questions, simply let them talk. This is someone you know and care about and they are coming to you to share something very personal. They would not come to you if it didn’t happen or if they didn’t trust you, so acknowledge their trust, believe in their story. Remember letting them know you believe their story is an important part of the healing process.

Don’t make decisions for the survivor. The experience of rape and sexual assault is one of having power and control completely taken away. You want to help them get that control back, you want to empower them.  You can empower a survivor by letting them make their own decisions about what to do next. Help your loved one or your friend get the information they will need. Help them find out what the options are. But let them make their own decisions and then support them in those decisions.

What you can do for yourself?
Be aware of your own reactions. You may feel powerless and out of control, just as your friend or loved one does. Like the survivor you are also suffering and you need to make sense of this experience. Do not feel bad about feeling bad. You can use this as a tool to understand how the survivor may be feeling in order for you to better help them and yourself.

Every individual has a limit to how much they can give. If you do more than you are emotionally capable of doing you will not be able to help effectively. Be realistic about what you can do. Though many friends and family feel guilty it is important to know and express your limitations.  If you feel you are stretched too thin you may be able to help the survivor find other resources. Helping doesn’t mean you have to do it all.

Remember you have needs too. You have lived through a crisis. Take time to take care of yourself. Give yourself credit for providing support and seek support for yourself.

Where to get support?
BARCC offers free comprehensive services to family and friends including a 24 hour hotline, legal advocacy, and individual, family and group counseling.

Click here to download BARCC’s handbook for survivors and their families.